Funny

They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.
#. John Green, Looking for Alaska

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
#. Lemony Snicket, Horseradish

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
#. Jerry Seinfeld

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
#. Golda Meir

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.
#. Bill Cosby

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
#. Yogi Berra

Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.
#. Suzanne Collins

What the hell is that?” I laughed.
“It’s my fox hat.”
“Your fox hat?”
“Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.”
“Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked.
“Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.
#. John Green, Looking for Alaska

It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
#. Marilyn Monroe

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
#. Ellen DeGeneres

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
#. Thomas Sowell

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
#. Buddy Hackett

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
#. Fred Allen

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
#. Author Unknown

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
#. Charles Schulz

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
#. Aldous Huxley

By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
#. Richard Dawkins

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
#. Katharine Hepburn

All generalizations are false, including this one.
#. Mark Twain

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
#. Jim Carrey

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
#. Albert Einstein

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
#. Billy Sunday

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
#. Robin Williams

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.
#. Bill Hicks

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
#. Terry Pratchett

My life needs editing.
#. Mort Sahl

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
#. Oliver Herford

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
#. Elbert Hubbard

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
#. Margaret Mead

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
#. Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
#. Ron White

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
#. Isaac Asimov

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
#. Mark Twain

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
#. W. H. Auden

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
#. Robin Williams

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
#. Douglas Adams

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
#. George Carlin

I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
#. Arthur Conan Doyle

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
#. James Thurber

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
#. Hedy Lamarr

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
#. Clint Eastwood

An idea isn’t responsible for the people who believe in it.
#. Don Marquis

If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
#. Tallulah Bankhead

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
#. E. B. White

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
#. Bill Vaughan

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.
#. O. Henry

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
#. Jane Wagner

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
#. Ellen DeGeneres

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
#. David Letterman

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
#. Paul Simon

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.
#. Herb Caen

I never liked you, and I always will.
#. Samuel Goldwyn

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
#. Alfred Hitchcock

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
#. Joan Rivers

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
#. Johnny Vegas

One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
#. Benjamin Jowett

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
#. Milton Berle

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
#. Woody Allen

Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.
#. Thor Heyerdahl

I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.
#. Harold Wilson

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
#. Bertrand Russell
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
#. Charles Dudley Warner

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
#. Milton Berle

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
#. Robin William

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
#. Tim Allen

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
#. Jerry Seinfeld

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
#. Jules Renard

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
#. Mark Twain

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
#. Lana Turner

Too much agreement kills a chat.
#. Eldridge Cleaver

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
#. Abraham Lincoln

I can resist everything except temptation.
#. Oscar Wilde

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
#. Albert Einstein